Hey there! RGB Network News (motto: “Rite Now Tonite!”) is looking to hire a senior graphic designer for our news station.
A little about us:
We’ve tried just about everything to keep people watching televised news, and we found that using an obscene number of graphics—around three per second—holds the viewer’s attention longest. That, or the strobe-like flashing of the rapidly changing diagrams causes the viewer to have a seizure. In either case, they don’t change the channel.
A little about you, ideally:
You’ve worked as a senior graphic designer at a Fortune-500 company but want to do something that has a real impact, especially on upper-middle-class suburban stay-at-home parents. You’re sick of the corporate life, the numerous benefits, and the health insurance coverage. You would prefer to work for free, but you will (reluctantly) accept your payment in Chuck E. Cheese tokens if we have to pay you for legal reasons.
A little about the job:
Above all, you need to be fast to survive in the high-pressure environment of television news. Speed is the name of the game. Speed is also the name of the drug in our executive producer. You should know when it’s okay to cut corners, like when drawing a map of Kazakhstan (nobody knows what it looks like, so we just use an old map of Ohio), and when it’s not okay to cut corners, like when drawing a map of Colorado.
Other design tasks you might include:
- Making text subtitles like “County Commissioner Gives Remarks on Land Use Permit Reapplication Denial Appeal Extension Decision” sexy, inviting, sexy, accessible, sexy, and sexually attractive
- Creating exciting eye-catching animated map explosions for coverage of wars, revolts, and overcast weather
- Turning our average poll results pie chart graphics into actual pies we can eat afterwards, while still maintaining factual integrity down to the individual pecan
- Redesigning our title sequence to include more explosions, things on fire, and scantily clad women without offending any single demographic
- Overlaying photorealistic hair in real time over our midday anchor’s balding spots
- Coming up with graphics so attention demanding that they snap any viewers that might hypothetically be having seizures out of their seizures
Other qualifications:
- Communication skills
- Familiarity with Mac Computers
- Rabies vaccine (our Exec. Producer can get intense, haha!*)
- Sense of humor
- Sense of smell
- Bulletproof vest
If this sounds like Fun!™ please send your cover letter and resume to hr@rgb.com.
*As per Occupational Safety and Health Administration regulations, we are required to note this is not actually a joke.