After watching his first episode of Breaking Bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz held a press conference to announce his commitment to ending inequality in the meth industry.
“It wasn’t until I saw the story of Heisenberg that I realized it isn’t right for one percent of the people to have 99 percent of all wealth. The success of the kingpin comes at the expense of the street pushers, hired guns, and drug mules that make this country great.”
Though many Americans were surprised by Cruz’s unexpected announcement, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed there was a reasonable explanation. “When the shutdown occurred, budgetary concerns forced us senators to switch from doing both useful work and partisan finger-pointing to just partisan finger-pointing. This reduced our workloads by about 10 percent, and we’ve mostly used that time to marathon shows on Netflix.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner spoke out in favor of Cruz’s idea. “I haven’t seen the show, but I think a lot of Americans can identify with the story of a meth lord that becomes a high school chemistry teacher.”
An also confused House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi stated that Cruz’s idea would receive support from across the aisle. “When Heisenberg became a chemistry teacher and distributed his millions of dollars to meth addicts across the Southwest, it was one of the greatest welfare victories of all time. It was regrettable and unforeseeable that the majority of the welfare recipients used the money to buy more meth.”
At press time, Boehner and Pelosi were seen watching season three of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and giggling.