DEAR ABBY: I worked really hard on my Conservative Victory Project, but the Tea Partiers accused me of attacking my own party. All I want is a future with more Republicans in office. What should I do?
CONFUSED KARL
DEAR CONFUSED: Don’t give up now! Financing electable Republicans is a great first step, but even a well-financed, electable-looking Republican doesn’t have a great chance of winning.
For that reason, I’d like to introduce the natural progression of your idea, the Three Step Conservative Victory Project 2.0. First, take a generic white man and leave him in a room full of reporters for a day or two. If he doesn’t babble about rape’s legitimacy, argue that God intends rape, or use the word “rape” and the phrase “this one time” in the same sentence, he’s a keeper.
Next, ask him where his home state is. If he doesn’t know and looks frightened, take his wallet and check his driver’s license. Then scratch him behind the ears. Finally, dress him up to look exactly like his opponent, change his name to be that of his opponent, and ensure he never says anything his opponent has not already said.
If the American public can’t tell your Republican apart from his opponent, there’s a 50% chance of him being elected. We couldn’t ask for better odds than those.
DEAR ABBY: I recently proposed a ban on Federal gun bans in my home state of Texas. Is this an efficient way to spend my time?
Texas State Legislator Steve
DEAR TEXAS STATE LEGISLATOR: It is the pinnacle of efficiency. Until now, you’ve had to wait for Democrats to try to do something before you were able to shut it down. Now you can preemptively nuke any idea their little Democratic grandkids might have 50 years down the road.
You’re paving the way to a bright future for the Republican Party. Picture this: you’re walking down the halls of the Texas State Capitol and you see a couple of Democrats. I know there aren’t actually any Democrats there, but let’s pretend someone left a door open and they wandered in.
And you hear the Democrats talking about legalizing gay marriage. So you just run over to the House floor and ban legalizing gay marriage. Then you walk into the men’s room and you hear a couple more Democrats talking about science. So you ban science too! And then you ban talking in the men’s room, because it’s time that became official.
The best part is that by banning first, you can ban the Democrats from banning your bans by passing a ban-banning bill that bans banning all ban bans.